Nyt pitäisi, ehkä, päättää blogin kohtalosta. Vaikka onko mulla kiire? Miksi olisi? Musta vaan tuntuu siltä. Haluaisin kirjoittaa englantia. Lupasin kirjoittaa englantia. Mutta mua arveluttaa. Suomalaiset ihmiset.
Now I should, I suppose, make a decision of this blog's destiny. Do I even have to rush? Why I should? I just feel like that. I'd want to write in English. I promised to write in English. But I'm a bit skeptical. Of Finnish people.
En vaan pysty kirjoittamaan kahdella kielellä. I just simply can't write in two different languages.
Everything feels like a dream. Everything's fine. Everything's nice. I'm numb. I'm not enjoying. I'm not excited. I'm not happy. I don't miss England too badly. I don't love to be here. I don't feel this to be my home anymore. I don't have home. I always miss somewhere. Again I just have to learn to live. Have to build up my life again. From scratch.
The day, Tuesday, when I had my journey back home was tiring and nothing else. I had too much stuff, I didn't know what to think, I didn't feel anything but everything. In Bristol I met a gentlemen who helped me out from the bus with all my stuff and kissed the back of my palm to say goodbye. Just before I prayed God would send some people to help me because I wasn't going to survive by my own and I knew that.
I got to bus and started to cry. I didn't know what to think so I tried to be without thinking but still it came so much in to my mind until I fell asleep and woke up in Heathrow Central Bus Station.
There was other exchange students mostly from Slovakia, Finland and Germany and anyone didn't talk to me. I was tired and didn't even want to try. After some hours I got along very well with an Austrian exchange student. I still don't even know her name.
I had lots of stuff and something which I could call problems but finally I was sitting in the plane with two Finnish exchange students, Roope and Erik, and flying back to Finland. I needed to concentrate so much speaking Finnish and sometimes it came out a bit funny way. We arrived to Helsinki-Vantaa just in time and I was scared. I didn't want to be there.
This is from London, I wanted to take a picture about my flight on that board.
In Finland!!!!! From left: Roope, Erik, Me.
At the moment I'm tired. I've had 2 whole days in Finland. Everything's so beautiful, I love summer nights in Finland - even in the south of Finland. I love my room and I love my brother and sisters.
This is my LITTLE brother Aku. Well I've got my own bodyguard now when I'm hanging with him. He's still always my little brother!
Then I met someone who I wasn't met before: my 5 weeks old little sister. I wasn't sure if I loved her. I wasn't sure if I could call her my sister. But when I kept her on my arms I just felt something called love, maybe. I love her. My little sister.
And after some time she smiled to me. I love her. And I miss her now when I won't see her in next 2 weeks.
Then yesterday evening I met my other sister (well actually "sister") Rosa and we went to Helsinki. Helsinki is just THE thing to us. It's just something so much, something I can't explain by words. Everything was back. The mood, the feeling of... The feeling of.... everything. It was everything. It meant to be. But to me it wasn't. Not anymore. It's not the whole world anymore.
Still we had a great evening. You can see something about it with all this pictures we took.
My Finnish doesn't work when I try to speak. I'm not starting to speak English, words don't come up my mind in English. Just my Finnish is a bit lost. I don't miss England too much. Not yet. I don't understand yet. This feels like a dream. Dream which isn't too good. Which is just neutral. Special but still not too good or not too bad. But which you really want to wake at some point.
Tomorrow one loveliest girl's coming to visit my home. I'm looking forward to that. I've been waiting this for many months. It feels good to realize I feel something. I feel something feels good. One day I'll love Finland again. One day I'll find place I can call home.
PS: Suomenpuhujat. Teidän EI tartte kertoa mulle että mun englanti on vammasta, että osaan kirjottaa paremmin ja elävämmin suomeksi. KYLLÄ MÄ SEN TIEDÄN. Mutta tällä hetkellä en jaksanut sitten loppujen lopuksi kirjoittaa molemmilla kielillä. Ja valitsin näistä kahdesta kielestä englannin. Koska tuntui siltä. Ehkä mä voisinkin tehdä aina vähän niinkun tuntuu. Hyvä idea!