Since I came home from England last October something happened between me and my English life. I didn't stop to think about it or writing and having conversations in English but I just didn't stay in contact to England. I was relieved that all the people in Bristol remembered me and still cared about me. Why I stopped being in contact then, sending letters, e-mails, messages? I don't know.
There's happened lots of things in my life and some of them have made me happier, more confident, made me deal with my life and what it is. But some of them have been that kind of things they've made me sad or think about life more seriously. There's been things changing and all of it some kind of way started when I arrived Finland again. I was new - in good and bad ways.
I don't know if that change was good. I still thought about England, all of my friends who are there and missed to be back there. But somehow I started to live my life in Finland and stopped thinking everything was better in England. Sounds probably good? But it has been horrible. Everything got totally changed when the year started and I heard I can't visit England in February (which would be in a week). It felt like something died inside of me. And it still hurts.
Last couple of days (and weeks) have been simply difficult to me. I haven't been thinking very much about what have happened in my life before but I've been thinking what will come next. When I came from England I've been always thinking about how I could get back in the future. Somehow that changed couple of weeks ago and I stopped to think about how I could get there and started to think which would be possible options to do in Finland.
All this have changed my world and it hasn't been easy. It has made my life easier as I now know I'll probably spent at least next coming year in Finland (where in Finland - I have no idea) but in the same time it hurts. A lot. When someone sends me a message in Facebook and tells that she's missing me back in England I always start to think if I still could go back there as fast as I can. Still I know it's not possible to do it at the moment - not because I couldn't find something to do in England but because it's meant to be that I'll be in Finland now.
If I think about last 2 years I can't believe how much has happened to me. I never thought I'd be who I am today or that I'd feel this way about life, myself, world, God and England (which used to be a country I didn't know and never wanted to go there). I became a christian about 4 and half years ago but since I went to England I've grown so much in my faith, the steps I've taken are huge. I'm proud of where I stay today but sometimes it's just hard to deal with the fact that my life is in two different countries and I'll always miss to be somewhere else that where I am.
I found this blog entry from the blog that my English church's youth pastor is writing and it touched me again and made me think about everything differently. Not that the topic of it would speak so much to me at the moment but that it tells about me is something really important and made me remember things I hadn't been thinking very much in last months. Now as I remembered them again they gave me so much strength and hope. If you want to read it yourself you can find it here.
God takes care of His owns.